This is the first writing I did upon entering the community, and is a pretty pointed description of where I was at that time. Originally posted in December of 2011
I feel like writing...but I have no idea what about. It's 3:30 in the morning and I've taken a break from the work that just WILL NOT END because my mind is putty and my eyes are tired.
I live a complete double life. Not the fun double life that a lot of people here live...like I'm one person at work and another at play. Everything that I think I am becoming, that I hope to become, is a giant fucking secret. Total strangers know more about me than the one person who should know me better than the world. (Well, I guess some of them aren't TOTAL strangers anymore.) I have been a member of this little community for a week, maybe. And that's being generous. Months ago a friend who knew my penchant for breaking rules and laughing in the face of societal expectations (and also knew the immense amount of pain and personal frustration I am experiencing at home) said, "Hey...go here." I browsed then, but didn't know for what I was browsing. Then I left as quickly as I came.
For some reason, last week I came back. And I still don't know what I was looking for exactly. I'd had an experience and it rocked my fucking world. He had no idea what he was doing, and I had no idea what I was doing...then he disappeared. I was pretty messed up about it. But I'm not one to sit around whining for too long. I realized that even if he'd fucked up by leaving me without so much as a nod, it didn't mean I couldn't appreciate the gift he had given me in the time we played. He opened a door for me.
So what is it like to experience the most twisted, beautiful, delicately violent sexual awakening? I don't know what this thing is...and I'm not a hard core stickler for labels. But Whatever name she goes by~ I like her. And I think I'm here to stay. All those dirty, forbidden thoughts I shoved away and pretended were invisible are flooding me. And I realize they aren't so dirty...and definitely aren't so forbidden. And I'm learning to swim in them :-)
I wish to quietly and, for posterity's sake, anonymously thank one particular friend. We'll call him a friend, but the term is woefully inadequate on my lips. You know who you are and I thank you for taking me under your wing, this naive, vanilla soaked kink virgin. It is a great blessing and spiritual gift to meet someone who can, with one look in my eyes, know exactly who I am, ever was, and ever will be...and to know with that look that they accept every bit of it without question. Thank you. I hope I can repay the debt somehow in this lifetime. Lord knows I'll try till my last breath.
It is terrifying, but I quote, "Our fears are only what we tell them to be." So...I choose to not fear this. In this moment RIGHT NOW...I am present with myself and completely accepting of the person in this skin, and will lovingly guide her towards the person I know she will be. And most importantly, I will FORGIVE HER.
Thank you to my FL friends, both known and unknown to me. You guys just may save this budding little sub's life.
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