I should probably be working...you know, on the stuff that pays my bills and allows my frequent and ferocious kink indulgences. But I can't seem to get focused. This isn't a rare problem. When it comes to writing up psych evals I'm less than wet about the subject. And I don't feel well. Woke up Monday morning with no voice, and this progressed into a fever by Tuesday, and all around ick by this morning. Fever's gone, just all congested and dancing in the mud puddle of fall allergies as we speak.
One of my partners was in a mood last night. I didn't feel well, and text is a horrible medium for expressing oneself. My sarcasm and brief answers were misinterpreted and this sort of became the catalyst for, or contribution to, a fun slide into negative thought patterns and catastrophizing assumptions. Today, it occurred to me...could this be drop? Is this what his drop looks like? We had a similar incident last week around the same time...
So I asked him. This hadn't occurred to him. Hmmm.
Earlier today I was emailing back and forth with a former partner and current friend and he wrote something I had to read 3 or 4 times before I realized he wasn't insulting me. Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend that was similar. I found myself taking things personally that weren't at all meant to be. So all this got me thinking.
I'm pretty self-aware, and when I am not I make damn sure to become enlightened on the subject as soon as possible. In the above instances, I was quickly able to identify, "I'm dropping. I should take a step back." I'm dropping currently. I have had weekend after weekend of play and travel and all around awesomeness. This weekend was particularly meaningful both in play and emotional growth.
This all has led me to the urge to write about what my drop looks like. Maybe someone else's is similar?
First, I tend to have an immune system crash if my play has been particularly strenuous or drawn out. This may be a sore throat up to a fever or respiratory infection of some kind. We play in very public places with lots of other people with all their own germs. It's normal to assume one will get sick eventually. I do what I can regarding preventative measures. I drink a bit of C-Boost juice daily, take vitamin packs, and eat healthy balanced meals (usually...though I've been addicted to milkshakes lately, and moolattes from DQ. Holy fuck are they good!). I try to get 6-7 hours sleep a night, and I'm physically active. But folks, you play in enough dungeons, you're gonna get the crud at some point. My last big immune system crash came following a 30 hour car ride to and from Minnesota. All new regional crud my body had never experienced!
Second, I tend to get fairly insecure, emotionally. I begin questioning my desirability as a bottom, my skills as a bottom. I wonder if my partners played with me because they wanted to or because they felt some obligation to. I worry about how fat I looked in rope, or if they will notice that my recent milkshake/moolatte addiction has added a couple of pounds. I worry if jeans were too tight, or my pussy not tight enough. I worry about whether the partner I'm only just beginning to experiment with calling Master will suddenly change his mind. I wonder if Daddy will decide I'm too bratty a babygirl. I worry, and I question. And I get sad and self-effacing. And usually about 20 minutes into this thinking, I kindly and compassionately say to myself,
"You are dropping. Your brain chemicals are playing tricks on you. Take it with a grain of salt."
Third, I get this really strange need for companionship paired directly with a desire to not be touched. My body wants space to heal and breath, while my emotional state wants someone close by for reassurance. THIS one can be tricky to navigate. The first time I told Daddy, "I want you here, like in my apartment. But can you sit over there in that chair and I'll come to you if I need touch?" was a really odd conversation. He was very understanding, though, and sat happily reading while I worked at my desk.
The key to navigating drop, for me, is to first REMEMBER that drop happens. I have to acknowledge it as a possible explanation for what I call "going crazypants." I think about what my drop usually looks like, and if symptoms seem to fit, I will generally let it be. I then begin engaging in what FM taught me months ago. He learned a trick in therapy years ago that are three simple words to realigning thought patterns, for many.
"First thought wrong"
What this means is pretty much what it sounds like. When I'm in a highly charged emotional state, I remember "First thought wrong." It's a cue to dismiss my first (and sometimes second and third) assumptions about any interaction. When I am emotionally charged, my first thought generally is one that supports a negative thinking pattern and only serves to perpetuate the pissy mood. When I remember to dismiss the first thought, it removes the gunk of my negative thought patterns and clears the way for more rational and evidenced based thoughts and feelings to pour through.
Then, I evaluate what I need. Sometimes I need reassurance, so I'll ask for it. "Tell me that you want me at your feet." "Tell me that you really do love playing with me." Sometimes I need physical affection, like a foot rub, or a kiss on the forehead. Sometimes I need to be put in "my place" and I'll ask for a tiny bite of the cake I OD'd on over the weekend, meaning I want hands in my hair, or around my throat, directing me to my knees at their feet. Sometimes I need to lick boots. (Yup, I'm one of those girls.) Sometimes I need my alone time. And this one is harder to ask for than a lot of things. I tend to get afraid that my need for alone time will be received as rejection. But I have to ask for it anyway, because I know me well enough to know what it healthy.
They key for me, is knowing what I'm feeling. Evaluating the source of this feeling, and then doing a needs assessment. Once I know what I need, set about the task of either procuring it for myself, or asking for help from those that I trust.
But that's just my drop. What does yours look like?
~Lucy
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