Definite Drop

I should probably be working...you know, on the stuff that pays my bills and allows my frequent and ferocious kink indulgences.  But I can't seem to get focused.  This isn't a rare problem.  When it comes to writing up psych evals I'm less than wet about the subject.  And I don't feel well.  Woke up Monday morning with no voice, and this progressed into a fever by Tuesday, and all around ick by this morning.  Fever's gone, just all congested and dancing in the mud puddle of fall allergies as we speak.

One of my partners was in a mood last night.  I didn't feel well, and text is a horrible medium for expressing oneself.  My sarcasm and brief answers were misinterpreted and this sort of became the catalyst for, or contribution to, a fun slide into negative thought patterns and catastrophizing assumptions.  Today, it occurred to me...could this be drop?  Is this what his drop looks like?  We had a similar incident last week around the same time...

So I asked him.  This hadn't occurred to him.  Hmmm.

Earlier today I was emailing back and forth with a former partner and current friend and he wrote something I had to read 3 or 4 times before I realized he wasn't insulting me.  Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend that was similar.  I found myself taking things personally that weren't at all meant to be.  So all this got me thinking.

I'm pretty self-aware, and when I am not I make damn sure to become enlightened on the subject as soon as possible.  In the above instances, I was quickly able to identify, "I'm dropping.  I should take a step back." I'm dropping currently.  I have had weekend after weekend of play and travel and all around awesomeness.  This weekend was particularly meaningful both in play and emotional growth.

This all has led me to the urge to write about what my drop looks like.  Maybe someone else's is similar?

First, I tend to have an immune system crash if my play has been particularly strenuous or drawn out.  This may be a sore throat up to a fever or respiratory infection of some kind.  We play in very public places with lots of other people with all their own germs.  It's normal to assume one will get sick eventually.  I do what I can regarding preventative measures.  I drink a bit of C-Boost juice daily, take vitamin packs, and eat healthy balanced meals (usually...though I've been addicted to milkshakes lately, and moolattes from DQ.  Holy fuck are they good!).  I try to get 6-7 hours sleep a night, and I'm physically active.  But folks, you play in enough dungeons, you're gonna get the crud at some point.  My last big immune system crash came following a 30 hour car ride to and from Minnesota.  All new regional crud my body had never experienced!

Second, I tend to get fairly insecure, emotionally.  I begin questioning my desirability as a bottom, my skills as a bottom.  I wonder if my partners played with me because they wanted to or because they felt some obligation to.  I worry about how fat I looked in rope, or if they will notice that my recent milkshake/moolatte addiction has added a couple of pounds.  I worry if jeans were too tight, or my pussy not tight enough.  I worry about whether the partner I'm only just beginning to experiment with calling Master will suddenly change his mind.  I wonder if Daddy will decide I'm too bratty a babygirl.  I worry, and I question. And I get sad and self-effacing.  And usually about 20 minutes into this thinking, I kindly and compassionately say to myself,
"You are dropping.  Your brain chemicals are playing tricks on you. Take it with a grain of salt."

Third, I get this really strange need for companionship paired directly with a desire to not be touched.  My body wants space to heal and breath, while my emotional state wants someone close by for reassurance.  THIS one can be tricky to navigate.  The first time I told Daddy, "I want you here, like in my apartment.  But can you sit over there in that chair and I'll come to you if I need touch?" was a really odd conversation.  He was very understanding, though, and sat happily reading while I worked at my desk.

The key to navigating drop, for me, is to first REMEMBER that drop happens.  I have to acknowledge it as a possible explanation for what I call "going crazypants."  I think about what my drop usually looks like, and if symptoms seem to fit, I will generally let it be.  I then begin engaging in what FM taught me months ago.  He learned a trick in therapy years ago that are three simple words to realigning thought patterns, for many.

"First thought wrong"  

What this means is pretty much what it sounds like.  When I'm in a highly charged emotional state, I remember "First thought wrong."  It's a cue to dismiss my first (and sometimes second and third) assumptions about any interaction.  When I am emotionally charged, my first thought generally is one that supports a negative thinking pattern and only serves to perpetuate the pissy mood.  When I remember to dismiss the first thought, it removes the gunk of my negative thought patterns and clears the way for more rational and evidenced based thoughts and feelings to pour through.

Then, I evaluate what I need.  Sometimes I need reassurance, so I'll ask for it.  "Tell me that you want me at your feet."  "Tell me that you really do love playing with me."  Sometimes I need physical affection, like a foot rub, or a kiss on the forehead.  Sometimes I need to be put in "my place" and I'll ask for a tiny bite of the cake I OD'd on over the weekend, meaning I want hands in my hair, or around my throat, directing me to my knees at their feet.  Sometimes I need to lick boots.  (Yup, I'm one of those girls.)  Sometimes I need my alone time.  And this one is harder to ask for than a lot of things.  I tend to get afraid that my need for alone time will be received as rejection.  But I have to ask for it anyway, because I know me well enough to know what it healthy.

They key for me, is knowing what I'm feeling.  Evaluating the source of this feeling, and then doing a needs assessment.  Once I know what I need, set about the task of either procuring it for myself, or asking for help from those that I trust.

But that's just my drop.  What does yours look like?

~Lucy

Redefining That Which Was Yet to Be Defined...

Initially the goal of this blog was to document and describe my first year in the BDSM community.  As I have struggled to decide what to write about this, I realize that I have spent the first year writing already.  My fetlife page contains all of the writing I did in that first year.  I am increasingly less interested in posting that here.  So perhaps this blog is to be a tale of the rest of my journey.  Surely you can find the old stuff if you're really interested?

Rather, this blog will continue in real-time as I explore issues important to me, talk about things I've experienced, and ask questions of my readers.  I expect it will be slow going, but who knows? Something interesting might come of this...

It's 3AM, or Miss Lucy is Lost...

This is the first writing I did upon entering the community, and is a  pretty pointed description of where I was at that time.  Originally posted in December of 2011

I feel like writing...but I have no idea what about. It's 3:30 in the morning and I've taken a break from the work that just WILL NOT END because my mind is putty and my eyes are tired.

I live a complete double life. Not the fun double life that a lot of people here live...like I'm one person at work and another at play. Everything that I think I am becoming, that I hope to become, is a giant fucking secret. Total strangers know more about me than the one person who should know me better than the world. (Well, I guess some of them aren't TOTAL strangers anymore.) I have been a member of this little community for a week, maybe. And that's being generous. Months ago a friend who knew my penchant for breaking rules and laughing in the face of societal expectations (and also knew the immense amount of pain and personal frustration I am experiencing at home) said, "Hey...go here." I browsed then, but didn't know for what I was browsing. Then I left as quickly as I came.

For some reason, last week I came back. And I still don't know what I was looking for exactly. I'd had an experience and it rocked my fucking world. He had no idea what he was doing, and I had no idea what I was doing...then he disappeared.  I was pretty messed up about it. But I'm not one to sit around whining for too long. I realized that even if he'd fucked up by leaving me without so much as a nod, it didn't mean I couldn't appreciate the gift he had given me in the time we played. He opened a door for me.

So what is it like to experience the most twisted, beautiful, delicately violent sexual awakening? I don't know what this thing is...and I'm not a hard core stickler for labels. But Whatever name she goes by~ I like her. And I think I'm here to stay. All those dirty, forbidden thoughts I shoved away and pretended were invisible are flooding me. And I realize they aren't so dirty...and definitely aren't so forbidden. And I'm learning to swim in them :-)

I wish to quietly and, for posterity's sake, anonymously thank one particular friend. We'll call him a friend, but the term is woefully inadequate on my lips. You know who you are and I thank you for taking me under your wing, this naive, vanilla soaked kink virgin. It is a great blessing and spiritual gift to meet someone who can, with one look in my eyes, know exactly who I am, ever was, and ever will be...and to know with that look that they accept every bit of it without question. Thank you. I hope I can repay the debt somehow in this lifetime. Lord knows I'll try till my last breath.

It is terrifying, but I quote, "Our fears are only what we tell them to be." So...I choose to not fear this. In this moment RIGHT NOW...I am present with myself and completely accepting of the person in this skin, and will lovingly guide her towards the person I know she will be. And most importantly, I will FORGIVE HER.

Thank you to my FL friends, both known and unknown to me. You guys just may save this budding little sub's life.

Here We Go, or Miss Lucy Starts a Blog

I have been talking about starting a blog of my inane and nonsensical writing for quite some time.  Not sure why I never got around to it.  Life gets in the way, I suppose.  I was too busy doing all those funky, kinky things that I was writing about that I never really dredged up the time to actually create the fucking thing to begin with.

Much of the writing you will see on here is edited and rehashed versions of stuff that has appeared on Fetlife.com.  That was my first outlet for the creative junk that manifested as I navigated the murky and often tumultuous seas of my first year in kink. Actually, my first 11 months in kink.  As of today, I have been a member of the "kink community" for a mere 11 months.  In many ways, I have gained a lifetime of experience in these short months.  And in many ways, I am painfully and fantastically aware that my learning is nowhere near done.

So this blog is a mix...thoughts on Polyamory, BDSM, power exchange, erotica, and random musings.  I hope you enjoy, and if you don't, I hope it at least inspires thought.

~Lucy