Happy Kinky Birthday!

As of last week, it has come and gone:  My kinky birthday.  I’ve officially considered myself part of the “lifestyle” for one year.  It’s been a year since I actually discovered BDSM was a “thing” real people *really* did.  A year since discovering there were people I could talk to and ask questions of and learn from.  And play with!

My first “scene” was over Thanksgiving weekend last year.  Man, was I dumb.  It was with an “internet Dom” I’d met on some website…not Fetlife.  Because honestly I just didn’t know any better.  I was naïve, uneducated, and overly eager.  I didn’t know what safe words were, how to negotiate limits, how to set up safety calls, or any of that other stuff you’re supposed to know before leaping into the pool.  I just jumped! Needless to say, the first scene I had went horribly wrong.  He was just as stupid as I was, and was decent enough to realize that my screaming and crying were *not* of the hot variety, and stopped before things went even more poorly.  I didn’t know how to communicate what I needed other than panic.  I had no language.  But, as I said, he was a decent guy, and I was *VERY* lucky.

My “Dom” was apparently moved by the exchange and left the “lifestyle” (or whatever he was doing) to find Jesus.  He disappeared and I didn’t hear from him until about 6 months later.  I politely and oh so sweetly suggested he fuck off.  Actually, I just said “Thanks, but no thanks,” and went about my merry way.

While he found Jesus…temporarily (slimy fucker, that Jesus, always getting lost, people having to “find him” over and over again.  He needs one of those toddler leashes, methinks…)

Anywho…I was moved as well.  While that first play date was a train-wreck by all accounts, the exchange that led up to it had wet my appétit and I wanted more.  That scene was not enough to stifle my curiosity, or my outright stubbornness.  Smart chick that I am, I did my research this time.  A college friend, who was infinitely kinky, suggested Fetlife.  At first I was overwhelmed, but quickly learned my way around.  I read a lot of message boards, did my homework on limits, safe words, safety measures as a bottom, etc.  Once I’d done a bit of research…enough to not feel like a total idiot…I started messaging a few interesting people.  And a few interested people messaged me. 

Initially I was going to talk about each of the truly special relationships I’ve had since entering the lifestyle, but I realized those people likely know how they influenced me.  Instead, I’m going to share a list of things I’ve learned in my first year.  The lessons that stand out to me and might mean something to someone reading this.  Some are poignant and dreadfully important life lessons.  Some are funny, special moments that make me smile months later. Some are borrowed from people who’ve come *before me*, and others are borrowed from people who’ve cum *on me*.  In a few instances, I’ll give credit if I can recall a specific moment and person that drove that point home.

• Trust your gut.  If it’s saying, “You are in so much trouble…” you probably are.  Act accordingly.
• Get references.  Reputation isn’t *everything*but it can be informative.
• It’s really only kinky the first time.
• Most collars are made of Velcro, apparently.  Nothing wrong with taking your time.  Forging takes time.  I’ve yet to wear a *real* collar, but know when I finally do it will be created from love, negotiation, a firm foundation, trust, compassion, dedication, and commitment.  And I’m mostly quite content to take our time getting there.
• I’m pretty sure “rainbow” players are a myth…but if they are real, I have some questions… (@EruditeHayseed)
• There are apparently a fuck-ton of True Doms running around.  And I’ve never met ANY of them…my fetmail told me so. 
• My personal discomfort is a FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH REASON to say NO.  And I don’t owe anyone any explanations. (Thank you @SarcasmaGRuntle…)
• Subbies are NOT pokemon…but for some reason many Toppy types are trying to “collect them all.”  I am *not* a collector’s item, or shiny toy to sit on your shelf.  I’m a person and I’ll be treated as such, thankyouverymuch. 
• You can find intense and powerful love in the strangest places.  Like MasterDoug’s kitchen.  Or a Golden Coral.  Or on stage.  Or a Starbucks. Thank you for all the love, lessons, experiences, growth, change, perspective, obstacles, teaching moments, pain, pleasure, and life @Monk, @EruditeHayseed, @DarkMedic, and @RedThunder.
• Women are complex and beautiful and *can be trusted*.  It took three very special women to show me this.  Thank you @UtopianDreamer, @Certari, and @Symetrie. I love you all.
• The length of a relationship and the powerfulness of a relationship aren’t always correlational.
• Trust the people who have seen a few things.  If they are concerned, you should be too. (Thank you, @Barak)
• Leather tastes like porn.  Mmmmm. Yummy delicious porn.
• If your hand isn’t around my throat, is that still considered fucking?
• Submission isn’t a contest.  But if it is, @Tesla wins.
• Polyamory isn’t a contest.  But it it is, @BondageNexus wins.
• BDSM is for grown-ups.  If you can’t act like one, get out of the pool. (Thank you, @SherynB)
• Communication skills courses should be a prerequisite for your first negotiation.
• Bruises are gorgeous.  Better than diamonds (Thank you @theBiz for my first real and beautiful bruises.  That scene paved the way for a delicious relationship with pain, and a deep and powerful friendship.  I love you dearly.) 
• Vanillas can be really hard to convert.  Know when to walk away.
• Someone’s behavior towards you has nothing to do with you. (Thank you @Bendyogagirl).
• Never put rope around your neck, unless it’s hot. 
• The sprinkler valve is not a hard point. (Thank you @AIS)
• Be VERY specific when asking to borrow @BratSheba’s shoes.  VERY specific… Otherwise, you’ll end up with a heel print in your ass-cheek.
• You can only move at the pace you can move at.  Be patient with yourself.
• If someone intentionally violates your boundaries once, they will likely do it again.
• D/s or M/s or Poly or whatever can look like WHATEVER I and my partners want it to look like.  There are no universal “rules.”  Give yourself permission to be flexible.
• Poly Math is really hard! But sometimes you meet a tutor who helps you figure a few things out…or compassionately listens while you bitch about unbalanced equations.  Thank you @MollyV)
• Google calendars can save your life.
• Grieving takes as long as it takes.  Be kind to yourself (@Monk…only one of SO many lessons you’ve taught me.  And I am eager for each new lesson we will tackle together)
• Support FET!  Gagging people is fucking awesome (@ all you people that post WAAAAAY too much about stuff I find boring as shit.)
• Everyone else here is *just* as fucked up as you are.  And there is great beauty and community in that universal fucked-upedness (Learned @ GRUE).
• Driving 15 hours one way for a GRUE?  Totally worth it. (Thank you @Graydancer, @Symetrie, @RoughInamorato, @IBurnREd, @SmartAlix)
• Driving 15 hours one way to have that special someone beat the living fuck out of you because no one else can do it quite the same and using GRUE as a convenient excuse for the trip?  Also totally worth it. (@theBiz….what can I say?  Again, thank you.)
• It’s kind of okay when people hate what I write.  At least they are thinking.  (@thank you to all the writers I know and all the people who have encouraged me to keep writing).
• Who you were in a previous lifetime only dictates who you are now *if you let it.*
• Who you were in a previous life has little meaning to me.  Who the person is standing in front of me means everything.
• Some people will read this list and think parts are about them.  They aren’t.
• One of my absolute favorite people in the community is someone who pisses me off on a semi-regular basis…because he is honest and direct with me when I need it most (which tends to be when I want to hear it least…).  And I love him dearly and thank him profusely for it.  (Thank you @FunkayBlackHat)
• I worry too much about what I can “take” in a scene, pain-wise.  I’ve erroneously based my worth as a bottom on my ability to handle certain levels of pain.  I forgot about the experience, about my experience.  There are two people working very hard to teach me differently.  I love you both deeply. (Thank you @Monk and @theBiz). 
• Despite all wishing otherwise, I am human.  I am a perfectly beautiful disaster of a human. 
• I deserve all the pleasure I can stand.  And then another orgasm just for good measure.
• Shame is a waste of energy.
• Some people will read this list and think parts are about them.  They are.
• I believe most people tend to do the best they know how with the tools they have in front of them.  I believe this fact is no excuse for people who refuse to venture to the hardware store and get new tools when their old ones are obviously not working.
• People are messy.  If you interact with people, you’re likely to get some of that mess on you. (@FunkayBlackHat) 
• People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. (Thank you @Barak)
• Needles…..mmmmm.  Needles.  Yes.  That is all.
• Wrestling mats are awesome.  But so are concrete floors. 
• A fistful of my hair is the quickest way to get my attention and put me in “my subbie place.”  I like “my subbie place.” 
• *For me*, the difference between submission and slavery is akin to the difference between attending mass and joining the monastery.    

So yeah…there it is. A large compilation of what I’ve learned in my first year in the scene.  I’ve left out a ton, and probably not thanked everyone I need to.  But it’s a start. 

What did *you* learn your first year that you want to share?